By Karen Anderson
Because of Ryan (born March 18, 1996 died March 20, 1996 – He would be 15 tomorrow)
My son is an angel. I knew it the second I laid eyes on him. His energy was bold and pure and it was not something perceived but understood. He suffered while he was here and knowing he would he came anyway. He is just that kind of soul; brave and loving; thinking only of the gift he could give his father and me.
He left after only a short time but he is always here and he serves as a powerful reminder each day to stop and think about the way he would have us live. He wants us to treat each other gently, to be our best and not waste time. He wants us to dream and to realize those dreams. He wants us to be outside in nature and to feel humble everyday as we realize the splendour that surrounds us.
Since he left there are days I have ached for him. I expect there will be more too. My loneliness for him used to be vast and dismal like a thick gray fog. It could not be helped for I am only human and the ache of a mother’s arms for her dead child fills the depths of the universe. And what has the universe done in response to this mother’s sadness welling up and piercing so deeply?
Well every once in a while, it sends a chickadee to the birdfeeder outside my window. The friendly song of the buff-coated and black-capped caller reminds me of the sweetness of my innocent son and I am thankful to the little bird for bringing that feeling to me. Snow falls and the earth wears a coat of white which sparkles in the moonlight and the sunlight and I am reminded that light is healing and my son has sent me this blanket of white to comfort me and wake my heart from the dark spell it had fallen into. I am surrounded by his love. A flock of geese fly into the sunset and their honking makes me look up to the sky and catch my breath with excitement because I realize that my son has crossed over the imaginary line that is this human existence and he is now apart of all that is beauty on this earth.
A vision came to me one day. I was walking a tight rope high above the city. I was not afraid but instead rather playful, dipping and dancing back and forth. And when all this playing led me to fall I simply smiled and floated through the sky as my own angel wings sprouted and I drifted to safety with a look of deep contentment on my face. And then I looked up at the sun and saw its rays turn into tiny crystals of light and the tiny crystals turned into angels the size of dust. The bits of angel dust landed on my face and each and every one of them was the tenderest kiss. I know love and I feel safe at all times.
I don’t feel nearly so sad when I think of these things my son has shown me. I don’t mind the pain anymore because I know such beauty now and I am enjoying what I have. Right now I am not fretting. I believe I will be shown my way and I will be loved and taken care of. And for all the gifts I receive perhaps I will be able to help others find comfort.
Love, gentle love, angels are about love. They love better than anyone because they are made of love and being made of love gives them the energy to heal. Think about how love makes you feel. Don’t you wish you felt that way all the time? Maybe you can. What would happen if you did? You would smile a lot. The small things probably wouldn’t bother you very much. People would just want to be around you. You’d have your priorities straight.
Would it be hard to feel love all the time? Where would you even start? I think you would have to start by loving yourself. First self-acceptance, then trust, then commitment, then you can love yourself and be aware of every dream and hope and thought you have inside. Don’t be afraid because the deeper you look the more love you will find. How could this life be about anything else?
Go to light. Be love. Feel safe. Dream. These things are natural to angels. It is their way of being. I think we can all be angels if we know how to live fully. I think we could all live an angel’s life. We’ve maybe just forgotten and need to practice but I assure you that with practice it is possible to let the power of angels into your life.
Isn’t my son incredible? He taught me all these angel things.